The Da Vinci Cold {VERSION 0.1}
by: Bill Xiong, aka. "NoOb123."

DISCLAIMER: This is a play that was written in parody of the popular movie and book "The Da Vinci Code" by Dan brown. Please don't try to prosecute me, as this story is written soly for entertainment purposes.
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{The Da Vinci Cold, Published by NoOb123 17/11/06.VERSION 0.1}

[he Da Vinci Cold ]
Written by Bill Xiong
Edited by Dean ‘InsaneFishy’ Zhao



(Lights up in office; T1 and T2 are having a conversation by the door)

Teacher 1: (Talking to T2) So, how was last class?
Teacher 2: Not so great. The two troublemakers Fred and George are causing trouble like always.
Teacher 3: (Joining in conversation) What did they do now?
Teacher 2: (Sigh) You don’t want to know.
Teacher 1: Can’t the counsellor do something about separating them?
Counsellor: (Joins in from nowhere) I’ve tried. Everytime I withdraw one from a class, the other changes hit timetable around accordingly to follow suit. I’ve got to hand it to them: they are geniuses at rearranging timetables. If they ever decided to become school counsellors, they’d be very successful at it.
Teacher 3: We could just transfer them out of the school entirely…
Teacher 1: But they haven’t done anything bad yet.
Teacher 2: Hey. If you had to teach them, you wouldn’t be complaining.
Councillor: It’s 12:15. We’d better head to class.
Teacher 3: You’re right. Let’s go.
Teacher 2: See you later.
Teacher 1: All right. Have a fun time teaching.
(Councillor, Teacher 1, Teacher 2, and Teacher 3 exit through door)
(Short pause)
(Fred pokes head out from behind door)
Fred: It’s safe.
George: (Comes out from behind door) So. Threatening to throw us out already.
Fred: And we haven’t even done anything wrong yet!
(Fred and George laugh)
George: Teachers…
Fred: They’re always like that.
(Fred and George walks silently out of the door)
(BLACKOUT)
(Class bell sounds as the classroom lights up. Random complicated equations are on the black board.)
Teacher: All right everyone. Before we begin, I have a little something to share with all of you. One of our teachers has written a short play called “The Da Vinci Code” and it will be premiered tonight at 7:00, in Auditorium 2. Entrance is free…
Boy: (Whispering to George) This school is notorious for bad drama plays written by teachers.
Teacher: (To boy) Nice to know you thought that. Now, let me make this point clear: The next person who talks will be sent down to the office, starting… now! (Pause) You, boy, will go and stand outside. I’ll come and talk to you shortly.
Teacher: Right. As I was saying, all of you are invited to help out the stagecraft students in setting up the stage. Be in the auditorium by 6:00 if you want to help.
Fred: (Whispering to George) Are you thinking what I’m thinking?
(Teacher stops to look at Fred; Whole class turns attention to Fred and George)
George: Are you thinking what I’m thinking?
Teacher: (Sarcastically) Are you both thinking what I’m thinking?!
(Fred and George look up towards teacher, then to each other, thinking of a nice retort to use.)
Fred: We don’t know…
George: Since we don’t know what you’re thinking.
Teacher: We’ll, I was thinking that since you were the ones who talked first, you should be sent to the office. Move along, now! Out! OUT!
(Fred and George exit from class; walks along hallway)
Fred: God… I hate that teacher.
George: Me too.
Fred: And since he was the first one to talk after he said ‘no talking’, he should be sent to the office.
George: Teachers always think that their commands are perfect and without loopholes.
Fred: How very wrong they are.
George: Oh yeah. Are you still thinking what I’m thinking?
Fred: Sabotaging the play?
George: Yup. Exactly.
Fred: (Nods) But we already modified the play by changing the script.
George: (Suggestively) I know, but it doesn’t hurt to add a little extra...
Fred: Sneezing powder?
George: (Nods mischievously)
Fred: Great. Meet you at the auditorium at 5:30.
George: Done. Hope you enjoy the show.
(Fred and George enter the office)
Receptionist: Sent to the office boys?
Fred and George: (Cheerfully) Yup!
Receptionist: First time today. Better not make a second time, or else we’ll get the Vice Principal to talk to you.
Fred: (Sarcastically whispering to George) Really? I thought we’ve already been here once today.
(Fred and George double up in laughter)
(BLACKOUT)
(‘Fred and George’ theme plays on Piano)
(Lights w/ dimmers up on stage, with wash of first 3 rows of the audneince.)
(Fred waiting for George outside)
(George shows up a moment later)
Fred: Hey!
George: You ready?
Fred: Yup!
George: Let’s go.
(Fred and George walks onto stage)
Fred: (To Stagemaster) Hi!
George: We’d like to ‘help’.
StageMaster: Sure! Here: I want the stage like this, put this here, and this here (Ad lib) etc.
(George keeps asking questions, ad lib, to distract SM while Fred sprinkles powder on stage.)
George: All right. We’ll get to work.
StageMaster: Yes. Thanks for (Sneeze) helping.
(Fred and George exit surreptitiously [slyly] out through the door.)
(Overture plays on piano)
(BLACKOUT)
(Lights up on stage for “DVC”)
Host: Welcome ladies and gentel- (Sniffle a sneeze) –men, to the Annual Hill Fest Celebration of the (Sneeze) arts. This year, the drama show is written by none other than our own Mr. (Sneeze). It is called “The Da Vinci Cold.” (Sneeze) So, without further ado, let us begin the showing of the Da-
(BATTLE THEME plays on piano)
Host: (Covering his ears) Wrong theme! Hey! No! Wrong theme!
(Signals with hands) Wrong theme!
(Piano stops, then starts playing the Calmo theme)
Host: No! Wrong theme! That’s Act 4! (Sneeze)
(Piano goes silent)
Host: Right. Sorry for the… uhhh… technical difficulties. Please enjoy the show.
(Host walks off stage; Brief Blackout)
(Langdon sits at his desk. People flocking around him to get signature)
Collet: (Pushing through the crowd with difficulties) Mr. Langdon, I’m from DCPJ, the French “FBI”, Our captain wants to see you.
Langdon: (Outraged) For what reason?
Collet: Just come along. Come on! (Sarcastically) Don’t be shy!
(Langdon follows Collet out of door)
(BLACKOUT)
(Lights up, same area, no tables. Bishop Aringarosa sitting on chair, Silas and Scilence sitting on floor)
Aringarosa: This man is called Robert Langdon. I want you, Silas and Scilence, to tail him. Whatever documents that they aquire, read it over. If it concerns the grail, steal it and come back to me. Understand?
Silas: Yes master.
Scilence: Yes sir.
Aringarosa: Then off you go. May god be with you.
Silas and Scilence: And with you.
(Silas and Scilence exit. Aringarosa follows)
(BLACKOUT)

Host: Everyone, remain patient while we sort out a few technical difficulties. Thank you.
(Walks “off” stage)
Teacher: What are we going to do? Our lead player, Langdon, has caught a cold.
Fred: (Coming through a door) Wow. The Da Vinci Cold at work.
Teacher: You! (Points at Fred; Fred looks behind himself) Yes. You Fred! There’s no one behind you. Can you explain about the sudden appearance of sneezing powder on the stage?
Fred: Where? Here? (Stomps on a pile of powder [Invisible] and sends it flying everywhere)
Teacher: You’re going to pay for th(Sneeze)
Teacher: (To Host) All right. Continue (Sneeze) the play.
Host: (Sneeze)
Teacher: What did you do (Sneeze)?
Host: (Sneeze twice)
Teacher: Don’t reply “at-choo” to me. It’s disrespectful t(Sneeze)… never mind.
(Teacher exits)
Host: (Trying to announce the news to the audience, but instead sneezes, becomes embarrassed and walks off stage)
(BLACKOUT)
(Lights up on intermission sign)
StageMaster: All right people, its intermission. Everyone out. You there! Help me clean this place. Here’s a mop.
(Fred takes mop and gets off to work)
(StageMaster exits, saying “…I need another mop myself…”
(Fred sits back down moments later)
George: What did you do this time?
Fred: (Puts bricks the same colour as the floor all over the stage.
George: (Reading from pamphlet) “Tonight, the silence will be broken…”
Fred: Yes. By people tripping onto the stage at random moments.
(Fred and George laigh)
(BLACKOUT)
(Lights up on Silas and Scilence in library)
Silas: Right. Here’s the plan. I go up to the museum director, and attempt to bribe him.
Scilence: And I’ll go and hypnotize him.
Silas: No you won’t. You’ll sneak up behind and shoot him with the rifle.
Scilence: Aww… but I wanted to hypnotize…
Silas: Hypnotization never works. At least, your attempts never work.
Scilence: It does too!
Silas: Does not!
Scilence: Does too!
Silas: Does not!
Scilence: Does too!
Silas: Does not!
Scilence: Does too!
Librarian: SCILENCE!
(Scilence looks around!)
Librarian: SCILENCE IN THE LIBRARY! YOU GOT THAT?!
(Scilence attempts to hypnotize librarian)
Librarian: (Ad Lib) Silence! Got that? Scilence! Etc.
Silas: We’ll leave right away. Sorry to bother you ma’am.
(Drags Scilence to exit)
Silas: See? (Triumphantly) Does not!
Scilence: (Starts crying) Does too!
Silas: Come on. Listen to common sense. God just proved that it does not work. Listen to the truth. Ouch! (Slips on floor)
(Silas falls down stairs. Scilence is so surprised, he stops crying.)
Silas: (Picking himself up) Falling down those stairs really hurt.
Scilence: Did not!
Silas: Did too!
Scilence: Did not!
Silas: Did too!
Scilence: Did not!
Silas: Did too!
(Both continue to argue until off stage.)
(BLACKOUT)
(Lights up in Museum. Silas and Scilence approaching)
Silas: Remember the plan.
Scilence: (Reciting) You distract him, I hypnotize…
Silas: No! The real plan!
Scilence: (Reciting) You distract him, I hypnotize him to knock himself out cold…
Silas: Scilence, you’re hopeless.
(Silas approaches guard)
Silas: Sir. What is so interesting about this museum?
Guard: Well, it was built in 1423…
(Scilence moves behind Silas and attempts to hypnotize guard)
Guard: (Toward Scilence) You’re moving your hand wrong. It’s like this. (Hypnotized Scilence) You’re going crazy. Even more crazy than you are now.
Silas: (Not noticing, pretending to take notes)
So, what happened after the big fire?
Silas: Scilence! Do it now!
(Gunshot)
Scilence: What a funny toy! (Crazily)
Guard: Sir, I demand you to drop the gun at once.
Silas: Shoot him, not the window! HIM!
Scilence: Hehe! Baseball bat! (Crazily)
(Scilence swings the “bat” at random, hitting the guard on the head knocking him out.)
Silas: Well, at least you hit him.
Scilence: No. I can’t be out already. I can bat again. (Turns to Silas) Oh no! Fastball!
(Scilence swings “bat”, and knocks Silas out) (Pause)
Scilence: That wasn’t out. You call yourself an umpire? You, cheap person. I’m going to get you! (Swings “bat”) Hey! (Looks around) (Angrily and crazily) You weren’t supposed to move! I’ll get you!
(Chases the imaginary umpire, swinging bat occasionally until he get to a corner of the room)
Scilence: Ha! I’ve got you no! (Swings bat and knocks himself out)
(BLACKOUT)
(At the Depository Bank of Zurich)
Banker: Bonjour. How may I help you today?
Sophie: I have this key (Shows him the key), and I want to access the safe. Can I do that?
Banker: Certainly. The accounts here never expire, and the shortest deposit term is 50 years. All you need to access an account is the key, and the 10-digit access code.
Sophie: But… what if I forgot my 10 digit access code? Can I reset it… or something?
Banker: NO! The code comes with the key. You must have both in order to access a safe. One without the other is useless.
(Telephone rings)
Banker: Ma’am. Excuse me while I attend to a quick phone call. (Walk out door)
Langdon: (Whispering) So, basically we’ve got to hack the 10 digit code. Not hard.
Sophie: Yeah. Only 9,999,999 combinations. 4 days on the supercomputer at DCPJ.
(Banker re-enters the room)
Banker: So, Ma’am, you got one try on this machine. One try only. You may have this room as long as you want. Good luck.
(Turns to leave)
Banker: Oh yeah. One more thing: the software that we use has had some minor problems. Buttons tend to disappear and reappear at random. Don’t let that bother you, ma’am.
Sophie: Thank you.
(Banker walks away)
Langdon: Great. This puts an end to hacking.
Sophie: Sure does. Now… what could the password be?
Langdon: Why don’t we try the Fibonacci Sequence?
Sophie: Great idea. Scrambled or unscrambled?
(Elbow brushes against screen)
Langdon: Scrambled.
Sophie: Sure. So, it’s… uh oh.
Langdon: What happened?
Sophie: I must have accidentally pushed a button. Oh no!
Langdon: Don’t worry. There’s a backspace button on here.
Sophie: Where?
Langdon: Here… umm… somewhere. (Muttering) That’s funny. I saw it a minute ago.
Sophie: Let’s just try unscrambled.
Langdon: All right. Here goes nothing. (Pushes buttons)
Sophie: Wohoo! It’s right!
Langdon: Here comes the box.
(Sophie opens box, takes out candlestick)
Sophie: What’s this?
Langdon: Looks like a candlestick.
Sophie: But, what has this got to do with my grandfather?
Langdon: They went through the trouble of a top-security bank to store a candlestick? Smart.
(Sophie examines candlestick and Banker bursts into room)
Banker: The police arrived sooner than I had expected. This way please.
(All 3 file out of room)
(Pause)
(Scilence and Silas enter)
Silas: Hmm… looks like we have to enter a password and a key.
Scilence: Key? I have a key! (Holds up a toy key)
Silas: Not those keys. What happened to you? You drunk or something?
Scilence: (Crazily) Water. (Sneeze) Water!
Silas: (Sigh) How do you open the cursed safe without a password?!
Scilence: (Crazily) Don’t worry, Scilence can do it!
(Walks over to safe)
How d’you turn this thing on? (Attempts to kick open the maching)
Scilence: Ow! That (Sneeze) hurt!
Silas: You’d think, huh, when the sign here says “Do not attempt to kick, sides reinforced with titanium steel”?
Scilence: Those words hurt too. (Sniffle)
Silas: (To himself) Oh well… Langdon might have emptied the safe already. Nothing we can do.
Scilence: (Sniffles sadly)
Silas: That’s it! If we can tail them, we’ll get the contents sooner or later. Come on, Scilence, we’ll beat them yet!
(Silas and Scilence exit; Enter Fache & Collet from same side as exit)
Fache: How many times do I have to tell you, Collet, to not interfere with my investigation?
Collet: I didn’t interfere. You told me not to act Captain!
Fache: Well, of all the times that you broke my direct orders during training, here comes a good time and you actually obey.
Collet: Well, that’s kinda the point of training, isn’t it?
(Silas and Scilence walks casually past Collet)
Collet: I didn’t do anything wrong… (Looks at Silas and Scilence) Hey, aren’t you those guys wanted for knocking out the curator of the museum?
Fache: What?
Silas and Scilence: Uh-oh.
Silas: RUN FOR IT! (Runs off stage with Scilence following suit)
Collet: After them!
Fache: (Shakes head disbelieving) That idiot Collet… he failed his fitness test 16 time now. Now, could he catch those two guys? I’ll let the K9 out. The dog’ll do better than him, I’d say.
(Release dogs; Dogs run after Collet)
Fache: Look! He even forgot his handcuff keys and his gun. Oops. Looks like he’s getting demoted next parade. (Sarcastically)
(Meanwhile in the chase)
Collet: (Panting) Darn… thieves… I’ll… catch… (Trips)
(To himself, thinking out loud) Who put this block here?
(Laughter from backstage)
(The dog “Rover” bounds into him)
Collet: Rover! After them!
(Rover bounds off)
Collet: Lucky I have a dog. Wait, he’s coming back. What’s he got in his mouth?
(Rover bounds back)
Collet: Oh no! It’s a grenage! Stay, boy, stay! Sit! Stay! (Runs off stage) NO! Stay! (Screams)
(Scilence and Silas appear from side that Collet exited, both out of breath)
Silas: They’ve lost us.
Scilence: We’re lost too.
Silas: Where’s the map?
Scilence: What map?
Silas: The map that the bishop gave us! The map of Paris! It was in a little round black pouch that looked like a grenade, remember?
Science: Oh… that. (Feels in pocket) I must have dropped it. (Cheerfully)
(Collet runs in from opposite side of stage)
[LONG NOTE: Collet, when getting chased by the dog, can make multiple passes around the stage, so that the actors are on cue and does not speed up their speech. Collet must time his movements so that he is on stage left as Silas finishes his last line. The chase party chases each other, enter stage left, run across stage, exit stage right, run across first row of audience, etc., until blackout is complete. A good cue of this is the audience’s clapping and laughter.
Collet: Run for your lives! The dog’s got a grenade! (Scream) RUN! (Etc.)
Scilence: Now the dog’s got it!
Silas: What are you waiting for? After them!
(Both run after Collet)
(Silas chases Scilence, who chases the dog, who chases Collet, around the stage until complete blackout)
(Gradual [25 sec] Blackout)
(Lights up on Opus Dei hideout, Paris, France)
(Sirens heard in background)
(Silas wakes up and hears sirens)
(Silas walks out of “house” w/ teddy bear)
(Police ambush him)
Police: Drop your teddy bear!
Silas: (Thinking quickly, holds gun to teddy bear)
Go away, or the teddy bear gets it!
Police: Drop your gun!
(Silas hits teddy bear with gun)
Police: (Runs away, yelling) He hurt the bear! He hurt the teddy bear!
(Bishop rustles through bushes)
(Silas hurls teddy bear at Bishop, which knocks him out)
Silas: I wonder why the policeman ran away after I “hurt” the teddy bear?
(Bear [Real] emerges out of tree, chases Silas off stage)
(CSI team enter, along with police Chief)
(CSI team is tired, and enters stage to begin sleeping)
(Pause)
Chief: (Enters) What are your doing? Start collecting evidence!
CSI1: (Jumps to his feet) I’m awake!
CSI2: (Jumps to his feet) I’m awake!
CSI3: (Still sleeping) I’m awake, but I can’t open my eyes,
(CSI 1 and 2 kick 3)
CSI3: Ow! Alright! Alright! I’m up!
CSI1: Look! There’s a body!
CSI2: It’s still alive.
Chief: So, if it’s alive, check it out! God, you must be the worst team I’ve ever seen. So absurd.
(Looks impatiently as team fumbles with the bishop)
Chief: God! You guys are failures! I’ll do this myself.
(Walks to body)
Chief: (To bishop; holding up his hand) How many fingers am I holding up?
Bishop: (Long pause as he stared at hand) (Confidently) More than 3!
Chief: What? More than 3?!
Bishop: Well, y’see, I’ma bishop, not an arithmetic genius, but I can still count to 3 as well as any man alive!
CSI1: How did you get our of elementary school?
Bishop: I counted to 2 and the teachers made me graduate!