A titanic problem {VERSION FINAL}
by: Bill Xiong, aka. "NoOb123."
DISCLAIMER: This is a play that was written in parody of the popular movie Titanic. Please don't try to prosecute me, as this play is written soly for entertainment purposes.
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A Titanic Problem
Intro:
Man 1: U-Hill Theatre Presents: A Titanic Problem a parody of the "Titanic" written by Bill Xiong, starring "Travis Murdoch, Hong Lu, Doug Crocker, Charles Yu, Dean Zhaoc (as an after thought) and Bill Xiong, but he's not important.
Dean: Yes, Bill only wrote the script, directed the show, arranged the music, and basically did everything we were supposed to do. (crazily)
Hong: Yes, yes. Anyway can we get on with the real show please?
(Blackout)
[=--------------------------------------------------------------------------Next--Scene----------------------------------------------------------------------=]
(Lights up on the ticket stand, people in stand)
A: Titanic tickets for $1500! That could buy a large house!
B: Or 500 $3 meals that you can eat in a row!
Seller: Can you actually eat that much?
A: Don't mind him. The sun fried his brains.
B: (Crazily) I like the sun!
A: See what I mean? (Pause)
A: Anyway, can we have two tickets for free please? He likes to play with tickets (gestures towards B)
Seller: Here you go! (Hands B 2 tickets)
B: (Crazily) WHOOOO!!! Tickets!
A: (After walking away) Great! You've saved us $3000! That'll go towards future hijackings.
B: Awwc can't I have 1000 $3 meals instead?
A: (Frustrated) How many times have I told you?! You can't even eat one $3 meal in one day. The burger alone takes you at least 3 days, and then there's the fries!
B: Still, eating 1000 meals would be fun. I want to start with meal 654 first.
(A shakes head disbelievingly)
(A, B exit)
(C, D approach ticket stand)
C: (Going through mental checklist) Gun?
D: Check!
C: Masks?
D: Check!
C: You staying quiet during the whole incident?
D: Uhhhc
C: Just stay quiet and let me do all of the work.
D: Does that include making my bed for me every morning?
C: c just be quiet. (Puts on mask)
(C and D approach ticket stand)
C: (Pulls out gun, and says nicely) Two tickets to New York please
D: Two what and to where?
(C knocks D out. D falls)
C: Just hand me the tickets.
(Blackout)
[=---------------------------------------------------------------------Next--Scene----------------------------------------------------------------------=]
(On ships deck)
Host: Welcome aboard thec (Pause) No. They'll never here me over the crowd. Where's my microphone?c
(Rob walks on stage, carrying speaker and mike. He hands it to the host.)
Host: Ah! Thank you Rob!
(Rob walks off)
Host: Welcome to the Titanic everyone! Before we depart, the captain has a message for you all.
Captains voice through speaker: (Drunk) Welcome aboard the Titanic everyone. I hope you enjoy your stayc (Dozes off)
Host: (Turns off speaker) Right, everyone. Please proceed to your cabins. Dinner starts at 5:30. Seasickness bags will be sold from the conceriege.
(Host walks to the other side of the stage)
Host: Man, that was a disaster. Why did you fall asleep captain? You embarrassed the whole crew!
Host: (Looks around) Captain? Captain?
(Walks off still looking for the Captain)
(Laterc)
(Captain sleep walks from other side of stage mumbling whisky, spirits, assorted alcohol beverages)
(Hijackers A, B walks on, and A sees the Captain)
A: (Whispering) Look! There's the Captain.
B: (Loudly) Where?!
(A then forces B to the ground, covering B's mouth. B squirms for a while, then becomes quiet as well)
Captain: (Mumbling) Whiskycbeercwinec spiritsc vodka
A: (Whispering) Ah, our captain likes to drink! Perfect! That'll be one less person to worry about.
A: (To B) Come on, now.
(A runs off the stage. B follows and bumps into the captain. B hastily gets up and runs off.)
Captain: More wine...whiskey...
(Captain walks off stage)
(Blackout)
[=--------------------------------------------------------------------------Next--Scene----------------------------------------------------------------------=]
(Lights up on host sitting at desk, writing. Near the door, there is a teddy bear.)
B: (Kicks the door open and steps inside office) HANDS UP!
(Host looks at B, then points the pen at B, and clicks it.)
(B is hit by a dart, and falls backwards. He is pushed out of the way by A.)
A: (Holding gun at Host) Not a sound.
(Host points pen at A, then clicks it again. "Maple leaf Rag" sounds from the pen.)
A: Very nice music player. Now, write the captain's room number on this piece of paper. (Hands paper to host)
(awkward pause)
A: DO IT! (points gun at host)
Host: (Looks at paper, considers) Never!
(A grabs teddy bear and points gun at it.)
A: DO IT!
(Host writes 649 on paper, and drops pen)
(B gets up, picks up the shooting pen and clicks it)
(Dart hits host, who collapses.)
B: Wow!
A: We've got the captain's room number!
B: (Dreamily) 649!
A: Let's go.
(Music (Cue 3) starts and cadences)
(Blackout)
[=-----------------------------------------------------------------------------Next--Scene----------------------------------------------------------------------=]
(Lights at night, split stage with imaginary wall in between)
(AB in one room, CD in another)
A: It's time. Let's go.
B: To do what?
A : (Sarcastically) To watch a movie.
B: (Childishly hopeful) Really?
A: Of course not! We're going to hijack the ship!
B: Wow!... that's newc
A: Just come with me. Come! Quickly!
(A drags B off and exits)
C: Let's go
D: All right. How do we hijack the ship exactly?
C: We'll cross that bridge when we get to it.
D: What bridge?
C: It's a figure of speech. Now come on!
(C, D exit)
(Blackout)
[=--------------------------------------------------------------------------Next--Scene----------------------------------------------------------------------=]
(A, B, C, D enters from different sides and arrives in the middle together)
B: (As approaching) We're going to hijack the Titanic, Hurray! Hurray! (To the tune of "if you're happy and you know it, clap your hands.")
A: (Forcefully) Shut up!
C: (To D) Pass me the gun.
D: Sure thing! (Passes C the gun)
(B and D bump into each other)
B: Who?!
D: What?!
B: What?!
D: Who?!
B and D: How?!
D: (Whispering to C) How did they get here?
C: How am I supposed to know?
B: Great question! How DID we get here?
D: How am I supposed to know?
C: What are you doing here?!
D: Hijacking the ship!
C: I wasn't asking you!
B: To watch a movie.
C: I wasn't asking you either!
A: What are YOU doing here?
C: Hijacking the ship.
A: Hey! This is my ship to hijack!
B: This is OUR ship to hijack!
D: And mine too!
A and C: Shut up!
A: Mine!
B: Mine!
C: Mine!
D: His!
A: Mine!
C: Mine!
D: Yours!
C: Mine!
A: Mine!
B: Ours!
D: That's right! Ours!
A: Mine!
B: Mine!
C: Mine!
D: MINE!
Captain: (Captain is still drunk) MINE!
Captain: My ship. My ship to hijack! (sips from whisky bottle) Mine! Mine!! Mine!!! (Walks in a crooked line offstage)
(Pause)
A: Mine!
C: Mine!
B: Mine!
D: Mine!
[=--------------------------------------------------------------------------Next--Scene----------------------------------------------------------------------=]
(A, B, C, D clumps together and moves off stage, still yelling "mine!")
Jill: I'm flying, Jack, I'm flying. (Falls into water)
Jill: Aaaaah!!! I'm drowning, Jack, I'm drowning!
Jack: I'll save you! (Jumps into the water)
Jack: Oh no! I'm drowning too!
Dean: Most of us are.
Both: Help! Help! Heeelllppp!!
(In Captain's cabin)
A: Did you hear something?
B: What?
C: Shut up! I'm trying to listen!
D: Hear?!
B: Define "listen"
C: To NOT speak.
D: Actually, according to the Merriam-Webster English dictionary, it means "to comprehend sounds made from a source."
A: What was that?
(Distance cries of help)
C: The power went out!
A: (To B, whispering) This'll be a good opportunity to take out the other two.
B: Good idea. I'll strange these two here.
A: Ack! You're holding me by the neck!
D: OW! Someone's squeezing my knee!
C: I'll shoot this one at point-blank range.
(gunshot)
C: I am victorious!
B: OW! My middle finger!
(4 gunshots)
(Blackout)
[=--------------------------------------------------------------------------Next--Scene----------------------------------------------------------------------=]
(In living room, TV on)
Alex: Have you read the news, Bob?
Bob: Yeah. "Titanic sinks, great loss of life." I thought it was unsinkable.
Alex: Yeah. They called it the "unsinkable"
Bob: And I saved $1400 by flying to New York, instead of drowning on the "Titanic."
Alex: That's nice. Hey look! The 6 o'clock news is on.
(Blackout)
[=--------------------------------------------------------------------------Next--Scene----------------------------------------------------------------------=]
ADHD: Hello everyone, welcome to the 6 o'clock news. My name is Add-heed, spelled A-D-H-D. This is my friend Rob, we are broadcasting from...
(Turns to Jim) Hey, you want an ice cream?!
Jim: Yes. Hello everyone, welcome to the CNN NewsCast. My name is Jim, not Rob. Now Add-heed, stop trying to offer me an ice cream, and get on with the News BroadCast! @
ADHD: (Hyperactive) Right, so there was a great performance by renowned piano player Lang Lang.
Jim: (Exasperatedly) His name Hong LU!
ADHD: And Lu Long played the children's song, "I'm a little teapot." (Pause) hey, would you like to trade chairs?
Jim: Now, I'll get on with the broadcast!
Of the many bodies resulting from the sinking of the famous ocean liner the Titanic, Investigators have found three that are in most particular conditions. One has a dislocated knee, one was (judging from the marks on his throat) strangled, one shot and one missing a middle finger. According, to medical records, none of these injuries happened on the ship, and there were no registered firearms on board either. The investigation on what caused the Titanic to sink is on going.
ADHD: It was recently discovered that Tschaikovsky, the national composer of Russia, wrote 7 symphonies, instead of 6.
(turns to Jim) What would you like to eat?
Jim: Anywayc a fire started at U-Hill secondary earlier today. Apparently, it was started by a drama show involving the Titanic. Fire crews arrived on scene to find the school in...
(ADHD tries to force banana into Jim's mouth)
Jim: (backing away) No Add-heed! I don't want banana!
Jim: (struggling with ADHD) Bad Add-Heed! Bad! Bad! Someone put on the commercials! MMMF!
(ADHD stuffs banana into his mouth)
ADHD: We'll be back after... Hey, let's go swimming!
(Blackout)
[=---------------------------------------------------------------------------Next--Scene----------------------------------------------------------------------=]
(Living room)
Bob: I've always loved that ADHD guy. He's so ADD that he's hyperactive.
Alex: I agree!
(Both look out the window)
Jill: (Looking for Jack) Jack? Jack? Jack? Where are you? Jack? Jack? (exits)
Jack: (enters one moment later) Jill? Jill?
(Blackout)
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